Posted by: brian | July 12, 2007

Everyone is great

Over the past [unit of times], I’ve been futzing around with the PersonalDNA personality test. I’ve noticed something: All of the personality types, as far as I can tell, are “positive” in their connotations. There’s apparently no way to get a result of “Anxious Flake,” “Narcissistic Asshole,” “Sadistic Egomaniac,” or “Self-absorbed Bitch.”

It’s all about “Generous Creators” and “Benevolent Artists” and “Considerate Leaders” and “Imaginative Visionaries” and “Cautious Analysts” and “Reserved Dreamers” and “Assertive Idealists.” If the world was really made up of only these types of people, wouldn’t we have solved more social ills long ago?

Other results I’d like to see:
“Concerned Bigamist”
“Maladapted Hypochondriac”
“High-tension Power lines”
“Nagging Sycophant”
“Zealous Fundamentalist” (aka “Religious Nutbag,” aka “Sectarian Violence”)
“Charming Software Pirate” or “Modern-day Robin Hood”
“Dominating Chauffeur”
“Sensible Shoes”



  1. “Wealthy Gadabout…”

  2. Ha! 🙂

    “Spunky Minority Sidekick”
    “Meddling Kids”

  3. “Well-Meaning Toerag”

  4. Would that be similar to “Paternalistic Do-Gooder”?

    Ooh! “Overpaid Consultant”

  5. Nice!

    “Toerag” is a great British insult, apparently now out of vogue, and that phrase I concocted is kind of nonsensical….

    “High-Strung Trophy Spouse.”

    “Allergic Cat-Lover In Denial.”

    “Annoying Co-Worker.” (Come on, admit it, some people seem to have been born with this as their destiny.)

  6. I was thinking “Abusive Spouse,” but that seemed too mundane.

    “Binge Blogger”?

  7. Well, I *was* meaning to ask you what result the test gave you…(tee hee)

    Is “New Vehicle Name Developer” too specific? Hmm, probably.

    “Failed Idealist?”

    “Reformed Optimist?”

    “Blind Follower?”

    “Shameless Drunkard?”

  8. “Failed Optimist”
    “Reformed Drunkard”
    “Shameless Follower”
    “Blind Idealist”

    I love mix-n-match!

    “Spunky Minority Kids”
    “Overpaid Gadabout”
    “High-strung Sidekick in Denial”
    “Allergic Toerag”

  9. Oh, well, then…

    “Blind Drunkard”
    “Reformed Blogger”
    “Wealthy Idealist”

  10. “Smitten Kitten”
    “Spanish Inquisitor”

  11. Good result (kind of):
    “Thinking Person’s Trophy Spouse”

    Bad Result:
    “Forgettable Seat-Filler”

    “Creepy Minion.”
    (probably a bad result, in the personalty-type biz)

  12. “Insensitive Grief Counselor”
    “Easily Distracted Savior”
    “Judgmental Blue-Hair”
    “Narcoleptic Seamstress”
    “Amnesiac Philanderer”
    “Moralizing Pill-popper”
    “Uncompromising Pederast” (or maybe “Well-Meaning Pederast”?)
    “Matronly Gender-Bender”
    “Promulent Embiggener”

  13. “Bad Driver”
    “Self-Delusional Guidance Counselor”
    “Supporting Actor”
    “Eternal Bridesmaid”
    “Pushy Bastard”

  14. “Billionaire Fuckwit”
    “Chronic Masturbator” (Masturbatrix?)
    “Introspective Horseman of the Apocalypse”

  15. “Inappropriately Affectionate Den Mother”
    “Attractive Door-to-Door Salesperson”
    “Bumbling Detective”
    “Underachieving Everyman”
    “Nit Picker”
    “Post-Apocalyptic Interior Designer”

  16. Dammit! Why didn’t I think of “Nit Picker”? That’s awesome!

    “Nit Wit”
    “Amusing Ethnic Character”
    “Becostumed Sci-Fi Convention-Goer”
    “Co-Dependent Telecommuter”
    “#5 Lunch Special”

  17. HA! I love “#5 Lunch Special”

    “Geriatric Tech Support”
    “Agoraphobic Lounge Act”
    “Comedic Duo”
    “Aspiring Death-Row Inmate”
    “Political Wannabe”
    “Mildly Entertaining [Redacted]”
    “Potential Potentate”
    “Absent-Minded Deity”

  18. “Transparent Shatnerite”

  19. The “lunch special” was off-the-cuff, but afterwards I couldn’t help but think of dangerous and delicious animals taking the personality test…”Whoa, sorry Polly! You got the same result that Hopalong over there did.”

    “Weak Link”
    “Gun-Polishing Loner”

    Might I make an editing suggestion?
    “Political Also-Ran”

  20. Good call on the “Political Also-Ran.” I also love the ! on the end of “Astronaut!”

    “American Idol Contestant”
    “Second Runner-Up”
    “Dick Cheney’s Cellmate”
    “Third-World Despot”
    “Control Freak”
    “Cruise Ship Disaster Survivor”
    “Manipulative D-Student”

  21. ooh!

    “Textbook Example”

  22. Oh, “textbook example” is good.

    Would that be different from “Textbook Case”? (You know I’m mentally sizing up what it would take to create the poll that gives these answers.)

    “Comedic Foil”
    “Conversation Killer”
    “Stealthy Gossip-Spreader”

  23. I would think “Textbook Example” and “Textbook Case” would be more or less the same. What about “Test Case”?

    I’ve also been thinking about exactly how such a test would be designed….

    “Pedestrian Casualty”
    “Surviving Septuplet”
    “God’s Gift to Women”

  24. “Unindicted Co-conspirator”

  25. “Ineffectual Cheerleader”
    “Lap-Dancing Amputee”
    “High School Graduate”
    “Recidivist Parolee”

  26. “Cloying Aftertaste”

  27. “Personality Test Programmer”

  28. Cloying aftertaste!

    “Collateral Damage”
    “Just Another Statistic”
    “Tiresome Doomsayer”
    “God-Damned Pollyanna”
    “Teammate, Liked But Not Trusted”

  29. “Historical Footnote”
    “Unheeded Soothsayer”
    “Retirement Community Pariah”
    “Misquoted Official”

  30. April fresh scent

  31. Pushy doormat

  32. “Angry Mob”
    “Sinister Force”
    “Disreputable Onlooker”
    “Guard #3”
    “Non-Speaking Role”

  33. “Mansquito”
    “Spicy P.I.T.A.” (Ben’s)

    Maybe “Disreputable Onlooker” should be “Disreputable Eyewitness”?

  34. or maybe:

    “Disreputable Journalist”
    “Discredited Eyewitness”
    “Disgraced Senior White House Official”
    “Disappointed Retiree”
    “Disembodied Voice”

    more (good grief, i can’t stop!)

    “Vengeful Teetotaler”
    “Graceless Acrobat”
    “Swinging Adolescent”
    “Trustworthy Double Agent”
    “Credulous Skeptic”
    “Frequent Alien Abductee”
    “Wishy-Washy Organ Donor”
    “Politically Moderate Defendant”
    “Scabby Nudist”

    Ben’s latest:
    “Chocolate Milquetoast”

  35. “Pockmarked Beauty Queen” (again, courtesy of Ben)

  36. Too many to process!

    “Pedantic College Dropout”
    “Steadfast Non-Coaster-User”
    “Truth Teller” (M&Tu, half-price Fri)

  37. “Indecisive Megalomaniac”
    “Karl Rove Look-Alike”
    “Breast Man”
    “Unmotivated A-Student”
    “Self-Published Author”
    “Typecast Child Actor”
    “Regretful Busybody”
    “Mediocre Crowd-Pleaser”

  38. “Sandwich-Board Wearer Par Excellence”
    “Secret Snob”
    “Proud Parent of Honor Roll Student”

    Are we repeating ourselves yet?

  39. No, I don’t think I’ve seen any repetition yet. It’s [frightening/funny] to realize that we could probably go on like this for months.

    “Good Risk, From Insurance Company’s Point Of View”
    “Weekly Reader”
    “Overzealous Hair Stylist”

  40. Well, were we actually to do something with these “types,” there’d have to be an editing process….

    “Constant Source of Irritation”
    “Distractable Linchpin To The Whole Plan”

  41. Yes, we’d have to weed out the chaff.

    “Squeaky Wheel” (pretty much the same as “Constant Source of Irritation”)
    “Moderate Spender”
    “Vice Squad Mascot”

  42. “Yellow Journalist”
    “Boolean Argument”
    “Crunchy Frog”

  43. “Shifty-Eyed Landlady”
    “Reluctant Bag-boy”
    “Concentric Circle”
    “Eyebrow Model”
    “Consumer Survey”
    “Confident Consumer”
    “Polemical Ne’er-do-well”
    “Chain Smoker”
    “Binding Contract”
    “Persistent Over-Salter”

    there was one other (brilliant) one that I had, but it slipped away. damn!

  44. Have we done “Jungian Archetype”?

    It occurs to me that we don’t have to use all of these actively — some can be used in reference to other types, as in “unlike Xxxx Xxxx, you are….”

  45. “Classic User”
    “Archetypal Weirdo”

  46. That’s an awesome idea, the “for reference purposes only” personalities.

    I imagine we could also do “You are most compatible with Aaaaaaa Aaaaaa, and least compatible with Bbbbb Bbbbbbbbb”

    Then I suppose we could throw in things like: “Your romantic match is Ccccccc Cccccc” and “Engage in a business transaction with Dddddd Dddddddd.” Maybe “Have brunch with Eeeeeeee Eeeee” and “Buy a used car from Ffffff Fffff”

    ANYway – my latest contributions:

    “Emotionally Crippled Protagonist”
    “Bore (Sufferable, But Barely)”
    “Captive Audience”
    “Accommodating Co-Worker”

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