Posted by: brian | November 5, 2008

Disappointment and snark

California, Arizona, and Florida decided that the gays don’t deserve the same rights as others. Arkansas decided that unmarried couples (straight and gay) don’t deserve to be parents. This is an excellent way to exert social control over issues of personal life and liberty. The premise is simple and brilliant: First, you say that children must have a father (male) and a mother (female) (we should maybe put that in the constitution too, huh?). Then, you say that only a man and a woman can be married. Connect the dots by restricting unmarrieds from having children, and ta-da! Fags can’t have kids. Jeebus 1, Reality 0. Throw in a clause about banning unmarried hetero couples from adopting kids, and you circumvent claims of discrimination. Well played, asshats.

What I would like to see Arkansas do next with this issue is to really enforce the spirit of it.

Many people have argued that because marriage should be defined as a one man plus one woman because marriage is all about children, and children who don’t have a mother and father end up as serial killers, pedophiles, and socialists. Therefore, marriage must be restricted to heterosexuals, and gays should be denied the right to raise children. I remember reading a letter to the editor in a magazine (I believe it was Atlantic) several years ago wherein a woman claimed that the purpose of marriage is to have children, and cited as support the fact that many states allow close relatives (e.g., cousins) to marry only under the stipulation that they will not have children. The logical inconsistency of that argument almost caused my head to explode, but I survived after realizing that I’m not a robot from the 23rd century. (If the function marriage is producing offspring, why would you allow a marriage that explicitly must not produce offspring?) However, taking as given that the function of marriage is to produce children, and that only married heterosexuals are allowed to have children, there are some enticing possibilities for future control over the people of this fine Christian nation.

  1. Every person wishing to enter a marriage contract must be tested to ensure natural sexual function and fertility (We can’t let human technology interfere with this biological process, as that is contrary to the desires of Magic Sky-Man. Oh, but if you take a fertility drug and have a litter of 9 premature babies and 6 of them die, that was what Magic Sky-Man wanted, so that sort of intervention is okay, I guess.)

  2. Every marriage must produce a live birth within one year of the date of marraige. Those that do not will be dissolved, as they have failed to fulfill the purpose of marriage.

  3. Any marriage that no longer serves the function of childrearing shall also be dissolved if they fail to produce a new child within 18 months of the point at which they last. These include families where children have reached the age of majority, even if those children still reside with their parents, and families where children die.

  4. Infertile men and women, including women who have reached menopause, will be marked to indicate their status as “barren” (they could get a tattoo or an armband or something) and shall be forbidden to enter any additional marriage contracts. Fertile men will have the right to continue impregnating women until they are no longer capable.

  5. We must take children away from single parents. If an instance of the sacred institution of marriage fails (probably due to that pair of dykes living down the block), or one parent dies, then the children of that union must be immediately removed from that household and delivered to a “proper family.”

  6. Any woman who becomes pregnant outside of a legally binding contractual union must at once marry the sperm donor (assuming he’s available), or the next reasonable candidate. If she fails to find a suitable husband by the time the child is born, one will be appointed for her by her closest male relative.

Throw in a national ban on abortion and contraception, and abstinence-only sex ed, and you’ve got the makings of a great nation.
As an unrelated corollary, every child is a blessing, especially the retarded ones. Oh, but not the gay ones. Because Magic Sky-Man likes retards, but hates fags.

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