Posted by: brian | December 8, 2008

"Ask your doctor if a gun is right for you"

The FDA has approved a single-shot 9-mm firearm “designed for people crippled by arthritis, muscular dystrophy, or similar conditions that render them too weak to operate normal handguns.”  But wait, there’s more. It’s classified as a medical device, which means it can be (or must be?) prescribed by a doctor, and might even be covered by Medicare. The intent is to offer the same type of self-defense capability to handicapped people that is currently available to anyone physically able to operate a handgun — well, unless they have a criminal record or a mental illness.

I think my favorite thing about it is the FDA’s name for it: the Daily Activity Assist Device. So basically, it’s a device that will help with everyday activities, right? You could use it to slice bread when making a sandwich for your grandchild. It would also come in handy for hanging pictures on the wall, dicing vegetables, straining pasta, finding your car when you forgot where you parked, and listening to the television without having to turn it up so loud that it disrupts others.

I can see the tv ads now.

[Scene: Elderly woman in her kitchen, trying desperately to work a handgun to maim or kill an intruder. She is subesequently overpowered, raped, and killed.]
Voiceover: 300 billion people in the United States are afflicted with some form of debilitating hand condition. Ever four minutes, seven million new cases of arthritis, muscular distrophy, and chronic bonitis are diagnosed. For many of those suffering from these diseases, handgun ownership used to be impossible. In a home invasion, they would be unable to prevent attackers from doing unspeakable things to their corpses. But not anymore. The Daily Activity Assist Device can change all that.
 
[Scene: Patient and spouse in exam room, nodding while doctor demonstrates how to aim and fire the gun.]
Voiceover: Only your doctor can decide whether the Daily Activity Assist Device is right for you. Your doctor will ask about your family medical history, your political affiliation, and your credit score to help determine the best treatment regimen for your personal firearm needs.
 
[Scene: Elderly couple sitting on a park bench, smiling, holding hands and shooting passersby.]
Voiceover: Do not use the Daily Activity Assist Device if you are pregnant or nursing, have a history of walking upright, or are taking prescription-strength muscle relaxants. Certain medical conditions may be made worse by the Daily Activity Assist Device.
 
[Scene: Middle-aged man golfing.]
Voiceover: Side effects may include dry mouth, blurred vision, trouble urinating, explosive decompression, foamy diarrhea, gunshot wounds, and death. Contact your doctor immediately if you experience difficulty breathing, heart palpitations, or an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.
 
[Scene: Older couple cowering in bedroom, taking aim at the zombie hordes that clamor at the windows.]
Voiceover: Gun ownership doesn’t have to be a dream. Consult your doctor to see if it can become a reality, with the help of the Daily Activity Assist Device.
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Responses

  1. Foamy diarrhea? Well I do eat a lot of soap!


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